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Friday, September 23, 2011

 Three Statisticians Go Hunting

Three statisticians go hunting and a bird flies across their view.
The first aims his gun and fires. Unfortunately he shoots 3 feet too high and misses.
The second takes aim and fires, his shot goes 3 feet too low and misses the target.
The third statistician then shouts "Great! We hit it!"

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Jim goes into confession and says

 "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned, last night I had sex with a woman who is not my wife."
The Priest says "Son, I cannot grant you absolution unless you tell me her name. Who was this woman?"
Jim says "Father, forgive me but I cannot tell you her name."
The Priest says "Was it that red-haired hussey Maureen O'Flahherty?"
"Father, forgive me but I cannot tell you her name."
The Priest says "Was it that adulterous Sheila Calhoun?"
"Father, forgive me but I cannot tell you her name."
The Priest says "Was it that brazen Mary Callaghan?"
"Father, forgive me but I cannot tell you her name."
The Priest says "Was it that wicked woman Kathleen O'Connor?"
"Father, forgive me but I cannot tell you her name."
The Priest says "Well, if you will not tell me her name, I cannot grant you absolution. Begone!"
So Jim leaves the church and meets his friend Jonno outside.
Jonno says "Hey Jim, you're not a Catholic, surely you weren't trying to get absolution?"
Jim says "Nah, just picking up some tips..."
Grandmas Having Fun

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.
When an old Grandpa walked by. And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying,
"We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."
One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! - Just drop your pants and under
shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,
"How in the world did you guess?"
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison...
"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Three Catholic Women and an Old Jewish Lady are Having Coffee

Three Catholic women and an older Jewish lady were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father."
The second woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him Your Grace."
The third old woman says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called Your Eminence."
As the little old Jewish lady sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle "Well...?" look, so she says: "My son is 6'5"; he has broad, square shoulders, lean hips and is very muscular; he's terribly handsome, has beautiful hair, dresses very well and always smells wonderful. Whenever he walks into a room, women say "Oh, my God...."
Pope Having Direct Line to God....

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi trys it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.
After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."
The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says: "Allright! The charges were 100,000 Lira."
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.
The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.
The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!"
The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?!"
The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."


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