Three Statisticians Go Hunting

Three statisticians go hunting and a bird flies across their view.
The first aims his gun and fires. Unfortunately he shoots 3 feet too high and misses.
The second takes aim and fires, his shot goes 3 feet too low and misses the target.
The third statistician then shouts "Great! We hit it!"

Jim goes into confession and says

 "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned, last night I had sex with a woman who is not my wife."

The Priest says "Son, I cannot grant you absolution unless you tell me her name. Who was this woman?"
Jim says "Father, forgive me but I cannot tell you her name."

The Priest says "Was it that red-haired hussey Maureen O'Flahherty?"
"Father, forgive me but I cannot tell you her name."

The Priest says "Was it that adulterous Sheila Calhoun?"
"Father, forgive me but I cannot tell you her name."

The Priest says "Was it that brazen Mary Callaghan?"
"Father, forgive me but I cannot tell you her name."

The Priest says "Was it that wicked woman Kathleen O'Connor?"
"Father, forgive me but I cannot tell you her name."

The Priest says "Well, if you will not tell me her name, I cannot grant you absolution. Begone!"

So Jim leaves the church and meets his friend Jonno outside.

Jonno says "Hey Jim, you're not a Catholic, surely you weren't trying to get absolution?"

Jim says "Nah, just picking up some tips..."

Grandmas Having Fun

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.

When an old Grandpa walked by. And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying,
"We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! - Just drop your pants and under
shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,

"How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison...

"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

Three Catholic Women and an Old Jewish Lady are Having Coffee

Three Catholic women and an older Jewish lady were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father."

The second woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him Your Grace."

The third old woman says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called Your Eminence."

As the little old Jewish lady sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle "Well...?" look, so she says: "My son is 6'5"; he has broad, square shoulders, lean hips and is very muscular; he's terribly handsome, has beautiful hair, dresses very well and always smells wonderful. Whenever he walks into a room, women say "Oh, my God...."

Pope Having Direct Line to God....

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.

"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.

"It's my direct line to the Lord!"

The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi trys it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.

After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."

The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says: "Allright! The charges were 100,000 Lira."

The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.

The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.

The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!"

The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?!"

The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."

A Whale is Swimming with His GirlFriend

Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend, Monica, are swimming happily through the ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, Willie says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"

Monica says, "Oh, I don't know..."

"Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!", says Willie.

Monica agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue.

As they are swimming away, Willie says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"

To which Monica, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."

Guy Dies and Finds Himself in Hell...

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he's wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great!
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You know it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie- you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why, yes I do.
Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want; you're dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No....
Demon: "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

Human Resources Manager After Death Experience.....

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told...

....after the break

No Screwing

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years.

One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky.

The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch.

Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper.

The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.

Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"

Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks.

Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband.

He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.

The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-bitch! From up here it DOES look like they're screwing.

Brave Wife Visiting the Dentist

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.

The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.

Its Dark in Here - Joke

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed..

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son.
Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear
the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.

Jokes...Some more

Man Driving up a Mountain Road

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!!"

They each continue on their way, and..... as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road..... and dies immediately.

If only men would listen.

==================================================================================

Irish couple having 11 children

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children...

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand....

===================================================================================

Englishman and American aboard Cruise liner

 

An Englishman and an American are lying side-by-side on deck chairs aboard a cruise liner. Soon enough they strike up a conversation, which begins with the American ticking off the Englishman saying, "You English are all so tight-arsed. You've got to learn how to loosen up a bit. You'all set yourselves apart too much. Look at me for example, I have Italian blood, French blood, some Polish blood, a little Indian blood, and even some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman says, "That's very sporting of your mother."

==========================================================================

A little boy is sitting Next to a Priest

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said. "I am a Father."
The little boy replied. "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.
"The priest looked up from his book and answered.
"I am the Father of many."

The boy said. "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way! The priest, getting impatient, said.
"I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said.

"Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar."

A Witty Guide to U.S NewsPapers

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The LosAngeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

The Chinese Way

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.

When finished, the Chinese runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter.

When finished, the Chinese jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and starts again.

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times.

During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they were done she jumps up, goes to the window, and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed,…and……finds four Chinese men.

Three ladies are sitting in a bar and doing what women do..

Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks, "If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?"

The first lady thinks for a minute and says, "Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime."

The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, "7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up."

The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, "Jack Daniels."

The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, "Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor."

The third lady says, "Yep, thats my Larry!"

The Witty Clerk

A woman went to a market in Mexico and very loudly and obnoxiously demanded a half a melon. The clerk told her politely that the melons were only sold whole, but she continued to rant about only wanting a half melon. The clerk excused himself and went to the back of the store to talk to the manager.

Not realizing that the customer had followed him. He told the manager, “A loud, rude, and obnoxious woman wants me to sell her a half a melon.”

He instantly realized that the woman was right behind him, and quickly aded, “And this nice lady wants to buy the other half.”

The manager cut the melon in half, sold it to the woman and, as she happily left the store, he turned to the clerk and complimented him on his quick reactions and his calmness under pressure.

“I am opening another store in Veracruz and I think you would be the perfect man to manage the whole operation,” he told the clerk.

“Veracruz!” said the clerk, “Who would want to live in Veracruz? There is nothing there except baseball players and whores.”

“My wife comes from Veracruz!” responded the boss.

“Oh” said the clerk. “And does your wife bat right-handed or left-handed?”

Ladies man - gentleman

Daniel fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn’t believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.

Daniel threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.

One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Daniel swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness.

“You can’t believe how happy I am to see you,” he cried.

The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, “You’re a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!”

“Crap,” sighed Daniel, “there go my Sundays.”

Little Johnny's at it again

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for a show of hands from those who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on Little Mona, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.”

“Very good, Mona,” replied the teacher. She then called on Michael. “My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,” he said.

“Excellent, Michael!”

Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny…

Last night, during supper, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, “Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!”

Mother of All Oxymorons....

An oxymoron is usually defined as a phrase in which two words of contradictory meaning are brought together:

Read till end

1) Clearly misunderstood

2) Exact Estimate

3) Small Crowd

4) Act Naturally

5) Found Missing

6) Fully Empty

7) Pretty ugly

8) Seriously funny

9) Only choice

10) Original copies

And the Mother of all......
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11) Happily Married

Blonde joke...

Question. Why was the blond's belly button sore?

Answer. Because her boyfriend was blond too.