Impossible Actions

Jokes...Some more

Man Driving up a Mountain Road

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!!"

They each continue on their way, and..... as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road..... and dies immediately.

If only men would listen.

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Irish couple having 11 children

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children...

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand....

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Englishman and American aboard Cruise liner

 

An Englishman and an American are lying side-by-side on deck chairs aboard a cruise liner. Soon enough they strike up a conversation, which begins with the American ticking off the Englishman saying, "You English are all so tight-arsed. You've got to learn how to loosen up a bit. You'all set yourselves apart too much. Look at me for example, I have Italian blood, French blood, some Polish blood, a little Indian blood, and even some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman says, "That's very sporting of your mother."

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A little boy is sitting Next to a Priest

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said. "I am a Father."
The little boy replied. "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.
"The priest looked up from his book and answered.
"I am the Father of many."

The boy said. "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way! The priest, getting impatient, said.
"I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said.

"Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar."

Mona Lisas brother.....

Male Brain and Female brain

"The problem is, God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time." 
— Robin P. Williams

The Male Brain Mapped Accurately

DIY at a new level...

Hitler and the Vuvuzela

Follow The Directions

To Nowhere

God Loves You

I am Back :)

Sorry Guys - I was unable to post the past week as I was taking a Holiday with my family.... Now I am back and get to regular postings....


Enjoy a Small  Strip...

A Witty Guide to U.S NewsPapers

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The LosAngeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

40 years of Mariage

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. 

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.' 

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband. '

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. 

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. 

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female..... 

The Chinese Way

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.

When finished, the Chinese runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter.

When finished, the Chinese jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and starts again.

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times.

During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they were done she jumps up, goes to the window, and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed,…and……finds four Chinese men.

Three ladies are sitting in a bar and doing what women do..

Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks, "If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?"

The first lady thinks for a minute and says, "Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime."

The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, "7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up."

The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, "Jack Daniels."

The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, "Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor."

The third lady says, "Yep, thats my Larry!"

The Witty Clerk

A woman went to a market in Mexico and very loudly and obnoxiously demanded a half a melon. The clerk told her politely that the melons were only sold whole, but she continued to rant about only wanting a half melon. The clerk excused himself and went to the back of the store to talk to the manager.

Not realizing that the customer had followed him. He told the manager, “A loud, rude, and obnoxious woman wants me to sell her a half a melon.”

He instantly realized that the woman was right behind him, and quickly aded, “And this nice lady wants to buy the other half.”

The manager cut the melon in half, sold it to the woman and, as she happily left the store, he turned to the clerk and complimented him on his quick reactions and his calmness under pressure.

“I am opening another store in Veracruz and I think you would be the perfect man to manage the whole operation,” he told the clerk.

“Veracruz!” said the clerk, “Who would want to live in Veracruz? There is nothing there except baseball players and whores.”

“My wife comes from Veracruz!” responded the boss.

“Oh” said the clerk. “And does your wife bat right-handed or left-handed?”

Peter Griffin for the win..

Got the video from here

Interesting Puzzles ...... 1 a day... Number 4

1. If you had a ton of feathers and a ton of stones which would be heavier?



2. Two women apply for a job. They are identical. They have the same mother, father and birthday. The interviewer asks, "Are you twins?" to which they honestly reply, "No".

How is this possible?

 3. A man can make perfect counterfeit bills. They look exactly like real ones, they're made of exactly the same materials, made the same way, everything. So perfect, one could pretty much call them real bills. One day he successfully makes a perfect copy of another bill. However, he gets caught when he tries to use the copy. How is this possible?

4. How far can a dog run into the forest?

5. You are given eight coins and told that one of them is counterfeit. The counterfeit one is slightly heavier than the other seven. Otherwise, the coins look identical. Using a simple balance scale, can you determine which coin is counterfeit using the scale the least number of times?

Ladies man - gentleman

Daniel fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn’t believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.

Daniel threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.

One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Daniel swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness.

“You can’t believe how happy I am to see you,” he cried.

The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, “You’re a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!”

“Crap,” sighed Daniel, “there go my Sundays.”

Little Johnny's at it again

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for a show of hands from those who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on Little Mona, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.”

“Very good, Mona,” replied the teacher. She then called on Michael. “My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,” he said.

“Excellent, Michael!”

Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny…

Last night, during supper, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, “Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!”

Interesting Puzzles ...... 1 a day... Number 3

A completely black dog was strolling down Main Street during a total blackout affecting the entire town. Not a single streetlight had been on for hours. Just as the dog was crossing the middle line a Buick Skylark with 2 broken headlights speedily approaches his position, but manages to swerve out of the way just in time. How could the driver have possibly seen the dog to swerve in time?
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Stumped?

Mother of All Oxymorons....

An oxymoron is usually defined as a phrase in which two words of contradictory meaning are brought together:

Read till end

1) Clearly misunderstood

2) Exact Estimate

3) Small Crowd

4) Act Naturally

5) Found Missing

6) Fully Empty

7) Pretty ugly

8) Seriously funny

9) Only choice

10) Original copies

And the Mother of all......
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11) Happily Married