Human Resources Manager After Death Experience.....

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told...

....after the break

No Screwing

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years.

One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky.

The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch.

Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper.

The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.

Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"

Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks.

Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband.

He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.

The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-bitch! From up here it DOES look like they're screwing.

When Ideas Have Sex - Interesting TED talk

Author Matt Ridley shows how, throughout history, the engine of human progress has been the meeting and mating of ideas to make new ideas. It's not important how clever individuals are, he says; what really matters is how smart the collective brain is.

Original Link HERE

Brave Wife Visiting the Dentist

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.

The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.

Impossible Actions

Jokes...Some more

Man Driving up a Mountain Road

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!!"

They each continue on their way, and..... as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road..... and dies immediately.

If only men would listen.

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Irish couple having 11 children

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children...

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand....

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Englishman and American aboard Cruise liner

 

An Englishman and an American are lying side-by-side on deck chairs aboard a cruise liner. Soon enough they strike up a conversation, which begins with the American ticking off the Englishman saying, "You English are all so tight-arsed. You've got to learn how to loosen up a bit. You'all set yourselves apart too much. Look at me for example, I have Italian blood, French blood, some Polish blood, a little Indian blood, and even some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman says, "That's very sporting of your mother."

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A little boy is sitting Next to a Priest

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said. "I am a Father."
The little boy replied. "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.
"The priest looked up from his book and answered.
"I am the Father of many."

The boy said. "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way! The priest, getting impatient, said.
"I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said.

"Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar."

Mona Lisas brother.....

Follow The Directions

To Nowhere

100 Posts

Yahoo!!..... thanks to all of you for the Support....

God Loves You

I am Back :)

Sorry Guys - I was unable to post the past week as I was taking a Holiday with my family.... Now I am back and get to regular postings....


Enjoy a Small  Strip...

Interesting Puzzles ...... 1 a day... Number 3

A completely black dog was strolling down Main Street during a total blackout affecting the entire town. Not a single streetlight had been on for hours. Just as the dog was crossing the middle line a Buick Skylark with 2 broken headlights speedily approaches his position, but manages to swerve out of the way just in time. How could the driver have possibly seen the dog to swerve in time?
,
,
,
Stumped?

Interesting Puzzles ...... 1 a day... Number 2

An 18-wheeler is crossing a 4 kilometer bridge that can only support 10,000 kilograms and that's exactly how much the rig weighs. Halfway across the bridge a 30 gram sparrow lands on the cab, but the bridge doesn't collapse. Why not?
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Read more to find the answer...

Beer Drinking good for your health - New Study

Doctors have suggested that drinking up to a pint of beer a day is good for the health and can reduce the risk of diabetes and high blood pressure.
They claimed that moderate consumption could even help people lose weight if combined with a healthy diet.
Doctors Ramon Estruch and Rosa Lamuela tested 1,249 men and women over 57 years old.
Those who accompanied a Mediterranean diet with up to a pint of beer 'not only did not put on weight, but in some cases even lost weight'.
The doctors found beer provides the same health benefits attributed to moderate consumption of wine.
"In this study we banish myths. We know that beer is not to blame for obesity," the Daily Mail quoted Dr Lamuela as saying.
Beer contains folic acid, vitamins, iron and calcium, which the study claims provide a 'protective' effect on the cardiovascular system.
The subjects who regularly drank moderate amounts of beer were less likely to suffer from diabetes and high blood pressure, and had a lower body fat content.
The researchers from Barcelona and Madrid suggested women should drink two small glasses of beer a day while men should drink three, combined with a healthy diet and exercise.


Original Post here

Push back

Women are Like...

Some more jokes

Smart man + smart woman = Romance
Smart man + dumb woman = One Night Stand
Dumb man + smart woman = Affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = Marriage

My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.

Question: What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?
Answer: The PGA tour.

Question: What did one tampon say to the other?
Answer: Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.

Question: How many Software Engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
Answer: None. It's a hardware problem!


Finally,

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Hen Falls into Hot Water

Rooster1: Yesterday my hen fell into hot water.

Rooster2: She must have died then.

Rooster1: No, but now she lays boiled eggs.

The perfect Hiding Place is in Plain Sight - Camoflague....

Not really Camoflague, but nice art work

Epicurius Says.....

 This one is a Wall paper as well {I doubt if anyone would want this kind of morbid ones though).