A Witty Guide to U.S NewsPapers

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The LosAngeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

40 years of Mariage

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. 

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.' 

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband. '

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. 

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. 

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female..... 

The Chinese Way

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.

When finished, the Chinese runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter.

When finished, the Chinese jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and starts again.

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times.

During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they were done she jumps up, goes to the window, and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed,…and……finds four Chinese men.

Three ladies are sitting in a bar and doing what women do..

Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks, "If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?"

The first lady thinks for a minute and says, "Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime."

The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, "7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up."

The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, "Jack Daniels."

The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, "Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor."

The third lady says, "Yep, thats my Larry!"

The Witty Clerk

A woman went to a market in Mexico and very loudly and obnoxiously demanded a half a melon. The clerk told her politely that the melons were only sold whole, but she continued to rant about only wanting a half melon. The clerk excused himself and went to the back of the store to talk to the manager.

Not realizing that the customer had followed him. He told the manager, “A loud, rude, and obnoxious woman wants me to sell her a half a melon.”

He instantly realized that the woman was right behind him, and quickly aded, “And this nice lady wants to buy the other half.”

The manager cut the melon in half, sold it to the woman and, as she happily left the store, he turned to the clerk and complimented him on his quick reactions and his calmness under pressure.

“I am opening another store in Veracruz and I think you would be the perfect man to manage the whole operation,” he told the clerk.

“Veracruz!” said the clerk, “Who would want to live in Veracruz? There is nothing there except baseball players and whores.”

“My wife comes from Veracruz!” responded the boss.

“Oh” said the clerk. “And does your wife bat right-handed or left-handed?”